Empathy may be a “female superpower”, but men may be more compassionate than we think.

Ok, I’m being deliberating provocative here, but hopefully I’ve got your attention. As we approach International Women’s Day I wanted to write an article that celebrates and inspires females in leadership. I decided to reflect on empathetic leadership because empathy is often seen as a “feminine” trait. But I also wanted to determine whether or not men have any hope of possessing this superpower and whether we can learn anything from them. I recently read “Untamed” by Glennen Doyle. He made a germane point that stopped me in my tracks. “Human qualities are not gendered. What is gendered is permission to express certain traits.“ It got me thinking; is empathy really the exclusive trait of women or have we just claimed that in that pursuit of female empowerment? And if so what does that mean for inclusive leadership? I’m not saying there aren’t inevitable differences between genders. I don’t think there is any great crime in owning and playing to our strengths, whether we have arrived at those through nature or nurture. But I also believe that if we really want to empower women, or anyone for that matter, we won’t get very far doing it by putting others back in their box (or any box for that matter - it kinda contradicts what we are trying to do here). I think we’re better than that. We all are. So this is a discussion of what empathetic leadership really means and what we can learn from both genders.

Why empathy is a superpower

It is often said women are more attuned to feeling empathy. Whereas men have a maddening tendency to try and fix things. Women might say “my god that is just utterly rubbish and you didn’t deserve that” when you get overlooked for a promotion.
Whereas we may expect a man to say “well maybe you should get a different job”. The latter is a rational conclusion to draw from the situation and ultimately it might help to save precious time and effort down the line. So technically there is nothing wrong with saying this. But it is most likely NOT what a person wants to hear in that precise moment. 

Why?

Because in that moment we want to know our suffering means something to someone. We don’t want a briefly thought-through solution that undermines our pain or leaves us feeling stupid for not seeing the signs that we work for a nincompoop boss. 

This might lead us to the conclusion that the primary advantage of being an empathetic leader is that your team members feel heard and therefore valued. And that, of course, is true.

But there’s actually more to it than that. 

Arthur Labinjo-Hughes died at the age of 6 years old from unrecoverable brain injuries. He had been abused, starved and poisoned by his father and stepmother for a protracted period before he died. He had experienced unimaginable and horrific suffering.

When the article hit the papers my own son, who shares the same name, was also 6 years old at the time. I could physically feel my throat constricting and a sharp pain in my chest, such was my repulsion for what I was reading. My instinctive reaction was to turn away from this pain. I didn’t want to read the article. I also noticed a natural urge to reduce this pain. “At least he isn’t suffering now” I remember thinking as a weak consolation. The example I am using is shocking and awful but I am using it on purpose. 

Why empathy is NOT a ”soft” skill

Showing empathy to ourselves and others is actually genuinely HARD. In Robert Sapolsky’s ”Behave” he shared some surprising information empathy. Studies have shown that empathy actually increases our cortisol because empathy requires us to experience pain. We find it physically and emotionally stressful to be empathetic. Moreover, it often requires us to acknowledge uncomfortable truths, for example, the capacity of human beings to do harm. So showing empathy requires courage. And it is draining. It’s no wonder we might turn away from it. 

Why Empathy is crucial for growth

But empathy is also a superpower. Empathy allows us to learn and grow. Think about it - the reason we feel pain in the first place is so we can tell when something is dangerous or harmful to us. So if we avoid all pain then we are potentially denying ourselves of some powerful insight. 

The articles around Arthur Labinjo-Hughes cited various “missed opportunities” by social workers and police to spot the signs and intervene. Some defences were made. And it’s understandable. I can’t imagine there is a single human who would want to bear the pain of knowing that could have helped that little boy but didn’t. It is far less painful if they can convince themselves there is nothing they could have done. And maybe they’re right….But what if they’re not?. You see, if they don’t have the ability to bear that pain, they HAVE to find an excuse. They have to insist on being powerless. BUT if they can acknowledge the horrific possibility that they could have done more… if they can bear that pain, even just a little bit, then they now have the opportunity to learn from it. And to save other little boys and girls. 

Empathy, therefore, is not only a valuable life skill, it gives us the capacity and insight to learn from difficult experiences.

Compassion and Empathy complement each other but they are different

I have noticed that women are often naturally drawn to practising empathy. I’m as proud as hell to say that because I see empathy as a courageous and noble trait. But I’ve also learned that you can have too much of a good thing. Just because we CAN sit with pain doesn't mean we should make a habit out of it. Cultivating empathy is an invaluable leadership tool.  Not a self-flagellation tool. Being an “empath” is not a good reason to become buried by someone’s pain, become a martyr or celebrate trauma. Remember, empathy is draining. And as leaders, we need to keep the batteries charged so we can do our best by those we serve. So we also need to practice compassion. And, believe it or not, they are NOT the same thing. They actually involve activity in different parts of the brain. In fact studies have shown that people experience a reduction in compassionate feelings when they are empathising. When we practice empathy we FEEL pain and therefore it is stressful and draining. When we practice compassion we radiate warmth and love to ourselves and others which is renewing and nourishing. Compassion is what allows us to let go of the self-harming thoughts that drag us down. So there is a time for empathy for sure. But there is also a time and a place for the “male” trait of “well maybe you should get a different job” and MOVING ON. And if I may make an observation, letting go is a quality I’ve often envied in many male leaders. I wouldn’t say that ALL men find it easy to let things go. Over-thinking and emotional self-harm are increasingly evident in many of the people I work with, tragically. But in my experience men often seem to “get” it whereas women put up huge resistance to this concept. I know I did. Either way, I’d like to see a world where we don’t need to label these traits as masculine or feminine. The bottom line we ALL need a bit of both in order to grow and thrive…And we need to practice both if we want to be resourced and insightful leaders. And who knows, maybe men are better at compassion that we give them credit for? Maybe we can learn from each other? Isn’t that was inclusive empowerment is really about?

Sarah is a former combat helicopter pilot, now a keynote speaker who talks extensively about leadership and empowerment. She helps leaders in mentally tough environments to perform and thrive under pressure. She is currently writing her first book ”How to be a superhero, not a sociopath". Sarah is also a Senior Associate Consultant for ABSTRACT.